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  Sometimes life isn’t about anything new that we have to learn, but about what we have to UNlearn instead.

  I am another you, and you are another me. And the journey continues. Namaste.

  It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. —Frederick Douglass

  Sit Happens

  Life can be like a loud football stadium, with all the visual and auditory stimuli of a game (the screaming, laughter, cheering, food, noisemakers, players, refs, and the vibration of your seat . . .).

  Now imagine the same stadium absolutely silent, still and calm, to a point where you can hear a person whispering at the other end of the field. That’s how I can best explain the transformation of my world through sitting meditation. By lowering the volume, I went from hearing the music of life, to listening to the sounds that make up the song; from living, to being alive.

  The true beauty is that it’s ongoing . . . it keeps getting better. My senses are heightened and I notice even the subtlest internal changes. There are no words to describe how profound and incredible this feels; one must experience it to truly understand, if only for a moment.

  Sitting very still may not sound interesting, but the results of doing it on a daily basis are extraordinary. Is peace merely the absence of war, or is it tranquility despite the conflict? Is happiness the absence of suffering, or is it contentment despite the imperfections?

  I believe we can be happy in a world that is already broken, and have inner peace in the midst of chaos. We can be in a frustrating situation but choose not to get frustrated, and we can also find bliss in less-than-ideal situations. Happiness is a choice.

  When the mind’s delight in being stimulated is exhausted, serenity sets in . . . a deep calm with a half-smile of appreciation and acceptance of whatever arises, without judgment or aversion. It’s a sense of relief beyond peacefulness; it is divine tranquility.

  Through meditation and by giving full attention to one thing at a time, we can learn to direct attention where we choose. —Eknath Easwaran

  We Are the Victims of Our Own Choices

  Where we are today is a direct result of decisions we’ve made as far back as ten years or lifetimes ago, and as recently as last night.

  We have a tremendous personal responsibility for the way our life has turned out, and an equally important role of steering it into the future. Although we constantly make decisions, we’re not always mindful of their far-reaching consequences.

  The first step is to have a very clear idea of the kind of life you want to live (perhaps a simple life, uncomplicated, comfortable, calm and happy). Then, before making any decision, ask yourself, “Will this action that I am considering get me closer to the kind of life I want to live, or farther from it?” The key, again, is to think of the far-reaching consequences of your decisions, not just instant gratification.

  Here’s the catch: the path of LEAST resistance will often take you farther from your destination than the seemingly more difficult one, but an easy trek in the wrong direction is ultimately far more exhausting and devastating than an uphill climb toward euphoria.

  Every decision you make is important. If you smoke now, for example, you might not be able to donate a lung to your own child in the future. And if you have more money than you need while someone else doesn’t have enough to buy food, you’re not changing the state of the world; you’re contributing to it. There are no shortcuts to anyplace worth going to.

  Instead of looking to blame others for your dilemmas, look within. Any circumstance (no matter how devastating it may seem), is not only caused by a past event, but is actually a blessing if we gain wisdom from it. History doesn’t have to repeat itself if we can learn from our mistakes the first time around.

  Treat every living being, including yourself, with kindness, and the world will immediately be a better place.

  If you really want to do something, you will find a way. If you don’t, you will find an excuse. —E. James Rohn

  Utopia

  Imagine the world as a restaurant, and we are all its employees; a group of people who share the vision of a perfect dining experience (great food, wonderful service, and a pleasant ambiance).

  Each person has a different responsibility, and no task is more important than the other; it takes the combined effort of everyone involved for the dream of utopia to become a reality. While one person is the cook, another is a server, the other washes dishes, and yet another cleans the bathrooms, but they each do what they can in order to help the restaurant be a success.

  The most important (and difficult) aspect of ANY job is to focus on the task at hand, and to not worry whether someone else is doing her or his part.

  It is not our place to judge or comment on somebody else’s job performance. The minute we become more concerned with what someone else is (or is not) doing, is the minute we fail to do our own part.

  We cannot control what anyone else is up to; we can only be mindful of what we can each do individually, and do it well.

  This approach is very applicable in our daily lives. I have seen people who drive electric cars get angry with SUV owners, and vegetarians being downright hostile toward

  Their meat-eating brothers. Everything is subject to time, place and circumstance. We do not all ripen, awaken or mature at the same rate, and the opposite of what you know is also true.

  Be gentle with yourself, kind to others, and love your neighbors unconditionally (not only if they live according to your beliefs).

  Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its entire life believing it is stupid. —Albert Einstein

  Leave No Trace

  One of the practices in the kitchen at the Zen Center is to wash, towel-dry, and put used dishes back where they belong (it’s part of the “leave no trace” training).

  Other residents occasionally left their dishes in the sink, so I did what I thought was the “right thing” to do and put them back. The Temple Keeper saw me doing it one day and gave me “the look” followed by “the speech.”

  “How are you helping them with their practice if you do that?” she asked. “Leave the dishes for them to see when they return.”

  It was interesting to understand that even an act of kindness could have a negative impact, and that sometimes we cause more damage by trying to help because we’re not looking at the big picture of what “helping” truly means.

  This is why Buddhist Boot Camp was written without any “should” statements in it. I am not here to tell you what to do, but rather to convey what I’ve learned in the simplest terms possible, so that you can apply the lessons in your own life if you want to.

  The book’s intention is to inspire readers to be the best version of themselves there is, which sometimes means NOT putting other people’s dishes away, or else you’ll get “the look.”

  Beyond right and wrong there is a field. I will meet you there! —Rumi

  LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

  Love Is the Recognition of Beauty

  A flower doesn’t stop being beautiful just because somebody walks by without noticing it, nor does it cease to be fragrant if its scent is taken for granted. The flower just continues to be its glorious self: elegant, graceful, and magnificent.

  Our Mother Nature has provided us with these immeasurably valuable teachers that blossom despite their short lifespan, stars that continue to shine even if we fail to stare at them, and trees that don’t take it personally if we never bow down in gratitude for the oxygen they provide.

  We also have an incredible and unlimited capacity to love, but the question is: Can we do it like a flower? Without needing to be admired, adored, or even noticed? Can we open our hearts completely to give, forgive, celebrate, and joyfully live our lives without hesitation or need for reciprocity?

  It seems like sometimes we go beyond taking things personally and are noticeably deflated when unappreciated. In fact, devastated, we wilt in sorrow and then attempt to g
uard ourselves by withholding, using all sorts of protections and defenses. We get hurt (even angry) if our boss fails to recognize an astonishing feat, if a lover pulls their hand away, or when a friend forgets our birthday. Can you imagine a flower copping an attitude for not being praised, or the moon dimming its glow because we’re too self-absorbed to notice it more often?

  Make an effort to shine no matter what, to love unconditionally, and to be a kind and gentle soul (even when nobody is watching).

  And, if you’re so inclined, hug the next tree you see and say, “Thank you!”

  Everything has its beauty, but not everyone can see it. —Confucius

  What a Healthy Relationship Looks Like

  Relationships are often misunderstood to be a simple commitment between two people; a dedication to each other with a sense of belonging to one another. That kind of limited perspective breeds expectations, possessiveness and disappointment, and it reeks of ownership, greed, ignorance, and selfish desire.

  A healthy relationship is an agreement between two people to support one another in their spiritual practice. It is a vow to encourage each other’s dedication, devotion and path, free from attachment or expectations (yet full of caring and compassion). A healthy relationship is based on unconditional love, not on the need to possess. Although you put plenty of “heart” into it, you lose nothing by giving love away.

  If each person is equally dedicated to inspire, create, awaken, and enrich the lives of others, then there is no hidden agenda. It is far less important what one receives from the other than what one can give.

  Intimacy would suddenly surpass warmth and tenderness to also include patience, vulnerability, honesty, active listening, understanding, connection, and unwavering trust.

  There is a healing power inherent in this kind of union, and it is capable of enabling deep transformation for both people. It is an incredible opportunity to actually practice what we learn (from non-violent communication to meditation, listening, mirroring, authenticity, resolve, radical honesty, appreciation, purpose, equality, celebration and mutuality).

  Healthy relationships are a collaboration of sorts: two peaceful warriors spiritually supporting one another on their individual journeys to spread positivity and light.

  May we all close the gap between what we believe and how we act in the world.

  Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. —Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

  My Wedding Day

  I got married at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco on September 9th, 1999. I was young, in love, and under the impression that if you “seal the deal” when everything is great, then you don’t end up in a marriage like my parents’ (described by them as “unhappily ever after”), but rather remain youthful, elated, passionate, and optimistic “for as long as you both shall live.” Did I mention I was young and in love?

  At the time, neither one of us had any role models for what a healthy relationship looked like, but we had more than enough reasons to be skeptical that any marriage could actually last. (I was a paralegal at a family law firm when we met, and the divorce rate in California was about 75 percent back then.)

  We decided not to include “’til death do us part” in our vows. Instead, we said we’d remain married “so long as we both want to stay in this.” Our love was unconditional, you see, but our staying together was conditioned upon happiness and willingness to continue. We were in love, but we were very logical about it.

  So we got married under that beautiful dome in front of three hundred friends and relatives, and I still have wonderful memories from that incredible night of 9/9/99. The number nine, as it turns out, didn’t mean “longevity” after all, at least not for us.

  Even though we were together for a couple of years before getting married, we had very different expectations and assumptions about what “marriage” actually meant. This difference in opinion ultimately led to a mutual and civil agreement to separate; an agreement that was reached during a couples therapy session just a few months after the big day. We remained best friends for a handful of years after the breakup, but then the universe took us in completely different directions, and we lost touch.

  I spent years trying to reproduce the positive aspects of that relationship with others, and then a few more years practicing celibacy while studying psychology and religion at the same time. I wanted to understand what people believe, and why they believe what they do.

  When I heard about an old man who introduced the woman he was with as the woman who walks beside him, I finally understood what Antoine D. meant when he wrote, “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”

  It was clear that I had to redefine what the word “relationship” meant to me, and that two people can actually help one another stay on track instead of lose focus.

  I call it a REALationship.

  What comes, let it come. What stays, let it stay. What goes, let it go. —Papaji

  Feelings vs. Emotions

  A friend called me crying one day because her boyfriend had left her for another woman. I couldn’t understand why she was devastated. “You want to be with a guy who loves you as much as you love him, right? Someone who would never do this to you, correct? And this guy obviously doesn’t fit those criteria, so why are you sad?” It made no sense. At least not to me.

  It was clear, right there and then, that my view on emotions is very different from other people’s. I view emotions as the potholes on an otherwise smooth path toward euphoria, while my friends celebrate (yet complain about) the ups and downs of their emotional roller coasters. I’m not a mean, cold-hearted or unsympathetic individual; I simply trace back the origin of the pain we feel and, if it’s self-inflicted—which it almost always is—I say, “If it hurts when you pinch yourself, stop pinching yourself!”

  My friends know me very well, by the way, so when they come to me for guidance they actually expect this kind of a reality check. I can understand, however, how or why my comment would seem brutal to an outsider.

  I was taught that feelings naturally come and go (like clouds in the sky), whereas emotions are feelings with a story attached to them. Those emotions can last for as long as we keep feeding the story, and this can go on for years. So when people FEEL sad, I understand, but when they EMOTE sad, I get very confused.

  Buddhism teaches us that if we get attached to impermanent things (and feelings are a perfect example of things that are impermanent), then our lives will be full of anguish. But if we live each moment without getting attached to it, then we can eliminate the very cause of suffering right there and then, and joyfully live our lives.

  As soon as I started studying the Buddha’s teaching I thought, “Now THIS makes sense! It’s absolutely brilliant!”

  Although it makes logical sense, it also takes years of retraining the mind to see things this way (especially in the heat of the moment). We all feel sad sometimes, or hurt, angry, excited, anxious, even blissful, but it never lasts for very long, and that’s okay. When one feeling passes, another feeling will replace it.

  It’s natural to feel disappointed when things don’t work out as you had hoped, but the only natural response when that happens is to move on. Difficult as it may sometimes seem, it’s still easier than trying to cling to what is no longer there!

  All you can do is remind yourself to let go.

  Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. —Ludwig Börne

  Sexual Responsibility

  Someone posted the following question on Buddhist Boot Camp’s Facebook page: “What is the Buddhist stance on homosexuality?”

  The answer is simple: Buddhism has a precept regarding sexuality in general; it does not have a different teaching regarding homosexuality than it does on heterosexuality.

  The third Buddhist precept, beautifully translated by Thich Nhat Hanh in his book For a Future to Be Possible, is ab
out “cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society.” It is about respecting your own “commitments and the commitments of others,” and not engaging “in sexual relations without love and a long-term commitment.” The precept invites everyone to “do everything in [their] power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct.”

  When a sexual act is an expression of love, loyalty, honesty, warmth and respect, then it doesn’t break the third precept (whether the couple is of the same gender or not). As long as there is love and a mutual agreement between the two people involved, it isn’t sexual misconduct.

  Unfortunately, as is the case with all organized religions and philosophies, some sects would argue this point, but I don’t think the Buddha would. Bigotry wrapped in a prayer is still bigotry, and we don’t play that game!

  The same answer applied when someone asked, “Can you tell me what the Buddhist views are on women? I saw something very alarming the other day and want to get my facts correct.”

  Buddhism equally honors and respects all beings (period). If you witness ANYONE making exceptions to that rule, those exceptions are illegitimate.

  The Buddha fully prepared us for this when he said, “Don’t believe everything you see, read, or hear from others, whether of authority, religious teachers or texts. Find out for yourself what is truth, what is real. Discover that there are virtuous things and there are non-virtuous things. Once you have discovered for yourself, give up the bad and embrace the good.”

  So just remember: Compassion has no contingencies.

  It doesn’t matter who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love; it only matters that you love! —John Lennon